McDonald's Cheese Obsession

McD's must have some type of deal with the dairy industry. I'm kind of a plain, no nonsense guy. I like my burgers sans stuff - no ketchup, mustard, pickle, special sauce, etc. Cheese is also on the list - I don't want cheese on the meat. Cheese is much harder to scrape off when the highly trained 17 year old senior assistant chief crew leader gets the order wrong.

McD's has made it very difficult to order a hamburger without cheese. I challenge you - can you locate a quarter pounder WITHOUT cheese on the menu (value menu or ala carte)? It can't be done. Try ordering a quarter pounder with cheese PLAIN. You will get one of the following:
1) A quarter pounder with cheese and all the stuff
2) A quarter pounder with cheese, but no ketchup, mustard or pickle
3) A quarter pounder without cheese, but with ketchup, mustard and pickle
4) A confused look from the counter genius

The conspiracy goes further. They have a value menu choice for two cheeseburgers, but not for two hamburgers. Whatever happened to the good ole' quarter pounder? It too went the way of the traditional large fry.

Prostitutes at Wal Mart

If you look at Wal Mart's business model, they excel at entering into commodity markets and driving out the competition. Visit any small town where Wal Mart has opened, and you'll see the skeletons of small businesses - pharmacies, clothing stores, even grocery stores. I don't condemn Wal Mart, but I've seen the effect in my home town.

So, if Wal Mart got into the prostitution business, we could expect the local hooker franchise to dry up. This effect would be good for the town. Crime would drop - less pimp-on-hoe violence, no 'John' rolling, etc. It would be unlikely that Wal Mart would use drugs as a form of payment, removing another large base of crime. Wal Mart would drive out the independents - cleaning up the streets, if you will.

Quality control would improve, given Wal Mart's history with other suppliers. Prostitute-initiated STDs would likely become non-existent, as Wal Mart would consolidate its supply to quality stock. Wal Mart hookers would not be allowed to unionize, they would lack benefits, and pay would be driven to an efficient level. However, given Wal Mart's aversion to full-time employment, the prostitutes would have time to pursue other activities.

Product placement would likely be an aisle display, not too far from the health and beauty aid section.

Cows II

I've spent the better part of the last two days transecting the fine state of South Dakota. Despite the 63,000 billboards that line the I-90 corridor, I saw several cows. I'm sure there were more hidden behind the Wall Drug billboards, but I found enough for some more cow observations.

1) I saw a line of 50 cows in a line (head to tail) heading for a pond. Amazing. How do they know it is time to head to the water? Maybe there is a time keeper cow. However, what happens when time keeper cow is ill, or becomes part of the food chain? The time concept may be intuitive to all of the cows, yet, they form a line. Why not just head to the pond as a large, unorganized mass (not unlike the population of a small South Dakota town at the opening of a new Super Wal Mart)? No, instead they form an orderly file, on their own, and move to hydration. Fascinating.

2) I saw a mass of cows (called a 'herd' by some). The mass was standing still. I've seen these groups of cows on movies, but they usually are running at a high rate of speed. There was probably 30 cows standing on a spot of field no bigger than 30' by 30'. No particular purpose that I could see (given the visible window one has at 80 mph).

The communication piece is the baffling part. I'm guessing I'm underestimating the power of the moo. The fact that cows can organize and function as a social group is baffling. I can't get six grown adults to stand in a line and move in the same direction. Yet, the bovines do it with little to no communication.

Slurpee Swell

Have you mastered the Slurpee pour? If you're a big Slurpee fan, you'll understand the art required to pour a Slurpee. There are many facets to a good pour. The most important is the stopping point. Slurpee's tend to expand after the pour is complete. Amateurs can easily be spotted as they walk to the register and their Slurpee ejaculates frozen cola all over the floor. Pros are distinguished by stopping just short of the top, allowing the swell to ever gently push through the straw hole and form the perfect Slurpee nipple. Perfection.

I once challenged 4 engineering interns to describe to me the physics behind Slurpee swell. 3 of the 4 stared at me, indicating they had no appreciation for the Slurpee arts. The 4th went to work and developed a nice theory around motive force and gas uplift. It was a well developed theory, although it missed the true reason behind the swell. Then again, it's hard to get good help.

Lucky Charms and the Zen of Marketing

The theme tonight seems to be food and food origins.

Lucky Charms used to have 4 marshmallow shapes: clovers, hearts, moons, and diamonds. Why they didn't go with spades, I don't know. I guess mothers around the world would have rioted if their kids started playing blackjack with their breakfast food.

Anyway, there came a day when Lucky Charms had a big marketing blitz over some new marshmallow shape. I don't remember what the shape was, but I do remember asking my brother "How in the hell did they come up with that shape." It looked nothing like what they claimed it actually was (oooh, outstanding syntax), and it was some bizarre combination of earth tone colors.

My analysis has led me to believe that this was a production malfunction, followed by a marketing save. Being a production guy, I know that stuff breaks, and product comes out bad. Typically, we scrap the stuff and try again. I imagine the margins in the breakfast cereal business are tight, so scrapping 60 tons of Lucky Charms with an off-color blob is probably a career ender for someone. So, in a panic, Joe Production Foreman called Bob Marketing Guy I Play Poker With On Fridays and asked for help. Bob called the box printer and changed the ad copy, and Ta Da - a new Lucky Charm marshmallow enters existence.

Last check, I think we're up to 7 or 8 Lucky Charm marshmallows. I have it on good authority that All Free (detergent) was born the same way - the color / perfume machine went down one night.

You Want Fries With That?

When I was a pup, I dreamed of the day I could order the LARGE fries at McD's. My dad always got a large, while us kids had to share a small. The little white bag seemed wanting, compared to the mighty red cardboard carton.

One day the day came. "I'll take a large fry." I felt like the king of the world. I went around, flexing my large fry muscles, procurring the big box o' lard whenever I could.

As I aged, I realized that one should curtail the amount of deep fried tubers, so I reverted to the small. To my surprise, the coveted red box appeared. Excuse me, man with the paper hat - this is a large fry.

"No, that is a small."

"OK, if the red carton is a small, what is a large?" I was promptly shown an even larger red carton. Wow.

"What do I order if I want the small white bag of fries?"

"Bag of fries." Seemed simple enough. So I did, and I was happy. Until the day came when the bag of fries existed no longer. It became the child's fries. Large was small, Extra large was large, and Supersize was...well, it was supersize.

I continue to be perplexed by the ever changing dynamic that is the McD's french fry. And now I hear they're doing away with the supersize. Nacho Supreme is looking more my pace. Unless Supreme is going to mean regular. Then I'm just screwed.

Cows

Do cows think about what they do? Periodically, you drive by a pasture, and you see cows in the field. Some are in groups, but there are always some loner cows. Are these cows standing solo by choice? Did the get lost on the way up the hill? Maybe there was a special blade of grass that the others missed. Maybe the loner cow was shunned by the larger group. Still, you wonder what went through the cow's mind. It's not as if standing alone was an instinct reaction or some result of stimulus-muscle reaction. The cow had to do some thinking. To what end...?